Some Psychotic Ramblings

Still Resolute?

2012-01-13T09:00:00.000-08:00

(Note: Take two on this post. I tried to post it yesterday, but for some reason Blogger didn't want to post it.)

“So, how’s that resolution thing going?”

Well, so far this year I haven’t been doing too well with the resolutions, I must admit. Let’s go over them one by one to see how I’ve been doing for the first couple of weeks.

Floss daily - last night I woke up around two in the morning and realized that I hadn’t flossed before going to bed (just a couple of hours earlier). I dragged myself out of bed and flossed. If I hadn’t, that would have been the first time so far this year. So far, mission accomplished!

Tweet daily - I’ve missed once - and that’s because I couldn’t figure out a phrasing I wanted. However, I’d tweeted twice the day before and I’m calling it even. Mission accomplished!

Upper or full body workout - Utter failure here... let’s move on.

45 minutes of cardio or something - I’ve skipped a couple of days, but I’ve walked around for a bit so at least I’m doing something here.

Clean up my share of the house - umm.... the less said, the better. Moving on...

Eat more greens -Success! I’ve been eating more. Not every meal, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve increased my veggie intake. Mission accomplished!

Work in the garden - My schedule on weekends has increased so I haven’t done as much as I should, but I can do better and am planning on it. I just need to work harder on getting out there and working harder.

Daily comedy building exercises - Success!

Weekly cultural excursions - Didn't do it the first week because my schedule was a little wonky, but I did go this week. Partial success! Which, of course means, partial failure!

The Weekly Quest - kind of a success. I’ve been taking opportunities to go places that I wouldn’t have gone a year ago. In only a couple of weeks I’ve been to areas of Los Angeles I haven’t been to in the previous ten years. So, while I haven’t been doing a set quest that I plan out on Sundays, I’ve embraced the idea of just heading places to go there.

Creating an performing a stand up routine - I’ve teamed up with a couple of friends and we’re working on our materials. Partial success - the other part will happen when I step onto a stage.

Write a weekly blog post - Take a look at the date on this post... At least I’m posting in January and not July.

Twelve Resolutions for 2012

2011-12-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

Well gentle readers, obviously I haven't been around much of late. I've haven't forgotten to post or even that I've been too busy to post. I haven't posted because: 1) I'm lazy & 2) I haven't really felt like I've had anything to say, well, anything interesting at least.

Is all that going to change? Am I going to start post with any sort of regularity? Honestly, probably not. I am going to try though. Somebody once said that you need to shoot for the moon so that even if you miss, you'll still be among the stars. I'm only hoping to get off the ground.

While considering my two reasons (laziness and boring-osity) for not posting and for my life in general, I've decided that something has to change... me. I have to take steps to becoming something better than I am right now. So, here are my twelve resolutions for 2012:

1) Floss daily - okay, so I was having trouble starting this list and I went with my usual. I put this on my resolution lists most years and it lasts maybe two months, if I'm lucky. This year, though, I resolve to actually Floss daily for the entire year and I really mean it... just like every other year.

2) Tweet daily - I think it's important to be putting out some kind of daily bit of humor or interesting information, just to keep my mind active. Also, at 140 or whatever characters, this seems like a low impact blog.

3) Upper or full body workout once per week - I'm going to hit the whole laziness thing pretty hard in my resolutions. Shoot for the moon... stars... off the ground... you get the idea.

4) 45 minutes of cardio or cardio equivalent exercise every day - again, battling laziness.

5) Clean up my share of the house once per week - this is like the flossing thing. Who knows, I may actually do it this year.

6) Eat more greens - just a good idea, really.

7) Work in the garden one morning each week - I like it, but lately I just haven't been putting in the effort, I really need to get back out there. The grass in the back yard is knee high and I'm pretty sure most of the sprinkler heads are broken. If I turn on the sprinklers, I'm sure I'd see fountains that rival the Bellagio's.

8) Continue doing daily comedy building exercises - I started doing this a few weeks ago and while I have to admit that I've skipped more than a few days, for the most part I've been doing it. The comedy building exercise I'm doing comes from Judy Carter's Comedy Bible. I'm not going to explain it here, since I feel that if you are interested, you should buy the book.

9) Weekly cultural excursions - I need to see more things out in the world, open my eyes to other people's forms of expression. To this end, once per week I want to go and see improv, stand-up, movies, storytelling, art galleries, performance art, live music, and everything and anything else that Los Angeles has to offer... well, not everything else, I'm probably not going to want to see anything that is too depressing.

10) The Weekly Quest! - on every Sunday, I want to challenge myself to a quest that I have to tackle that week. My Holy Grail of the week will probably seem tame to some, but will probably be a challenge to me. I'd like to give you examples of what I have in mind, but it's Monday and I'm only going to be coming up with them on Sunday... and it's only 2011, not 2012.

11) Create and perform a five minute stand-up routine - while this sounds like a weekly quest, I think it'll take more than a week to get my butt up on stage and perform five minutes of comedy by myself.

12) Write a weekly blog post - This is a key part of why I'm doing all of the above (except maybe flossing or eating greens). I'm making a change to my life and I want to document my change into the 30th most interesting man in the world - or at least the 800th most interesting man in the San Fernando Valley or wherever I end up.

Jeez, that's one big, unedited ramble... I hope it makes some kind of sense - and even more I hope that I actually do 90% of it. Well, if I don't do it, you'll know it because my next post will probably be dated six months to a year after this one.

My Condensed Review of "Thor"

2011-05-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

Ab-dequate.

My Condensed Review of "Persons Unknown"

2011-01-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

Diverting jaunt.

Sunday newspaper comics that I skip

2010-06-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Cathy, Prickly City, Peanuts, Marmaduke, Rose Is Rose, For Better Or For Worse, Family Circus

Why do I mention this? On Sundays I have all the time in the world to read the comics, and I still don't bother finding the time for these. What went wrong?

Cathy lost any relevance to humor or reality back in the Eighties. Prickly City has never been funny and the politics of the strip are only annoying. Since Peanuts and For Better Or For Worse are repeats of old strips I've got a "been there, done that" feeling. I liked them when they first came out, but I'm done with them. I'm not the audience for Marmaduke or Family Circus, they skew to the extremely young or slow. I actually think that Rose Is Rose is a clever strip and I hope that they continue to make it, I just feel sorry for the main character.

I think that there are a lot of great comics out there- important comics that delight me or make me consider different viewpoints on the world around me. Candorville, La Cucaracha, Zits, Baldo & Doonesbury may not hit the mark for me every time, humor-wise, but I like their viewpoints and messages. On the other hand, Pearls Before Swine is the best current comic in any newspaper in the land.

My condensed review of Harper's Island

2010-05-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

Wonderfully histrionic.

My condensed review of the first episode of "Justified"

2010-03-16T23:20:00.000-07:00

Quirky.

My condensed review of the new products shown at CES this year.

2010-01-11T09:23:00.000-08:00

meh.

Quote

2010-01-03T19:14:00.001-08:00

"It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide"- Magersfontein Lugg

NaNoWriMo

2009-11-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

It's National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo to its friends) again and I'm jumping on the bandwagon again this year. It has only been a few days, but I'm keeping up. If you don't know, the goal of NaNoWriMo is to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days- that's 1,667 words per day. There is a strategy involved, to make it easier, which you can find in the book "No Plot? No Problem!" by Chris Baty (the founder of National Novel Writing Month).

By the way, I've done this before, successfully- and by that I mean that I got the word count, but the novel I wrote is utter crap. Just a few days into the latest novel and I can say without hesitation that the new one is crap too. However, I will also say that this one is less crappy then the earlier one. Maybe in ten years, or ten more novels, I'll be writing the greatest novel ever, but I doubt it.

Anyway, the process is fun and I think I'm learning a lot. If you've got access to my Twitter feed (which should be somewhere on this blog page), you can keep up with my current word count this month.

the anti-"jump the shark"

2009-09-30T14:44:00.000-07:00

There really needs to be a phrase that's the opposite of "jump the shark".

"Jump the shark", if you don't know, is when something happens that causes you to realize things are never going to be as good as they used to. The opposite would be when be when something happens on a series that makes the series dramatically better.

When Michael Emerson joined Lost, it crystalized and clarified the drama, he gave the show something it needed. At that point, Lost stopped being a rambling drama that didn't seem to be going anywhere. Suddenly, the "Others" stopped being strange weirdos and started being interesting. The "Others" even started dressing better.

In the seventh episode of Fringe, they introduced David Robert Jones (played by Jared Harris). Up until this point, they were vague about something called "The Pattern". It really felt as if the writers didn't have any more idea what was happening then the viewers. The enemy had a face. The writers weren't wandering aimlessly from incident to incident, they had a focal point, a direction. The episodes became markedly better written. The characters were actually striving for something.

The reason that I'm bringing all this up is this- I've just watched the first season of "Lie to me" and I really like the show, but I really think that they need to have a Michael Emerson or David Robert Jones. I really like "Lie to me", but Tim Roth's Dr. Cal Lightman hasn't really found a match- the Joker to his Batman. Somebody to battle through the show's future seasons. I just hope that they don't do a "House" like thing and make his enemy a bureaucrat that battles over petty crud- "Fringe" tried that with Michael Gaston's Sanford Harris and it was utter crap. Nobody ever wants the enemy to be red tape or bureaucracy - unless it's a comedy.

Do you really want it?

2009-08-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

I was rolling the question "Do you really want it?" around in my head this morning. There wasn't anything that I really wanted at the time, that wasn't the point. I was thinking about how wonderful spoken English is. Every time that I rolled the question around, I emphasized a different word- and that changed the context completely.

Let me show you what I mean (the capitalized letters represent the word that is accented):

"DO you really want it?" - I question if you want it.

"Do YOU really want it?" - I think that you are acting on the behalf of somebody else.

"Do you REALLY want it?" - I don't think you want it enough to do what it takes.

"Do you really WANT it?" - It isn't something that you should want- like a monkey's paw.

"Do you really want IT?" - I think you really want something else, you just aren't saying what.

Yeah, I know, there are thousands more interpretations that can be inferred - context would help, but that's not my point. My point is that spoken language can be pretty cool.

Porn 'Stache

2009-08-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

I had a horrible slip when trimming my beard this morning- in the end I had to trim around the screw up. Now I'm trying to decide whether I want to cut everything off or just start growing the beard out again. Heck, I may even keep the mustache...but I doubt my dearly beloved will agree with that (she hasn't seen it yet).

From Some Psychotic Ramblings

Tomatoes: Fruit or Vegetable

2009-07-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

The culinary world says, "Fruit!"

The U.S. Tariff codes say, "Vegetable!"

The botanical elite say, "Ovary."

Tomayto, Tomahto - I don't care, I just grows 'em and eats 'em.

Here's a picture of yesterday's crop from my backyard

From Some Psychotic Ramblings

Rocket Fizz

2009-07-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

From Some Psychotic Ramblings

On Sunday I noticed a new store had opened up in my neighborhood - Rocket Fizz! They sell classic candies, soda pop and faux vintage tin signs.

Once per blue moon, if not less often, I head down to Eagle Rock (about twenty minutes away) to go to Galco's Soda Pop Shop. I'll pick up thirty to forty different sodas, and cart them back home to sample over the next months. Seeing a new soda store so close to my house set my heart a flutter. Yippee!

First the good - Rocket Fizz has a great selection of sodas. I think that Galco's may have more, but there were enough new drinks for me to try that I was quite happy. Also, they had many classic sodas that I've enjoyed over the years, staples for my soda lifestyle. Even better then the soda selection was the candy selection- Whoa- all of the greats were here, Zotz, Pop Rocks, Abbazabba, Chuckles. Enough variety that I could add another hundred pounds to my girth without repeating a single one. I'll be making as many trips to this place as my dearly beloved will allow (remember, I am supposed to be getting trimmer- she's my food cop, and she tries to keep me honest - I have no will power except for hers).

Now the bad - Rocket Fizz isn't really set up for buying more then a couple of six packs of soda. Galco's does it right, with the shopping carts and huge boxes. This is really too much of a slight to Rocket Fizz, I don't think that they meant for it to be a place you go for stocking up for the summer (or winter) - they want you to visit far more often then that. In the future, I'll be hitting Rocket Fizz for my personal use, but I'll still want to hit up Galco's when I want to stock up for a party, or buy bulk in a new ginger ale or something.

And, in the something else category - Galco's prices are all over the place, some sodas are as cheap as 90 cents and some are downright expensive ($3 and up). All of the sodas at Rocket Fizz are priced at $1.89 each. If you know which sodas are expensive, you can save a lot of money at Rocket Fizz, but if you don't know that the soda you are picking up can be bought on the cheap at Vallarta or Vons, then you could be paying a lot more then you need to. Buyer beware and all that rot.

From Some Psychotic Ramblings

Rocket Fizz

2112 Magnolia Blvd.

Burbank, CA 91506

(818) 846-7632

Game Update

2009-06-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to keep you up to date on where I am on my video game completion list- I've installed The Orange Box on my PC. For those that don't know, this means that I'll be playing through Half-Life 2 (plus the first couple of "episodes" associated with Half-Life 2).

As far as consoles go- I've played quite a bit of the PS3 Ratchet & Clank game- it's a fun game that I enjoy playing, but I can see why I stopped playing it on the first go-round. The game play is very repetitive and generic. You really just jump around and shoot things- every enemy has a pattern used to destroy it, and once you've figured out that pattern, you just repeat it over and over and over again until all of that enemy type are destroyed. I've stopped thinking of the enemies as separate villains and started to consider them by the specific moves needed to eliminate them quickly. Is this a problem? Not really, but I think that I would have enjoyed this a lot more if I were younger. I guess I'm just too old.

Games

2009-06-08T09:03:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit of a video gamer- but I never finish anything, boredom always sets in at some point. This past weekend, I decided that I want to actually finish what I've got rather then move on to other games- I give it a week, I've little patience for something that should be fun. The moment a game isn't fun, I'll ditch it at the used video game store.

First up on my pile of games- Uncharted: Drake's Fortune. The reason I didn't finish it the first time was that the game's combat sequences were really annoying- of the "We limit your ammo" type. Constantly shooting five or six shots into the same few pirate models stops being fun very quickly. On this run through I've gotten achievements for killing a nation's worth of pirates, and more still seem to pop up. I'm getting better at shooting them in the head, which is the only way to lessen ammo worries. Shooting them in the belly or genitals seems to have very little effect. I guess pirates are like zombies- only real way to kill them is the brain. How grisly.

Next up on my game pile is going to be Half-Life 2, which I stopped when my computer died, and never installed on my new machine and then...Bioshock- which I stopped because the atmosphere was getting me down, even though I liked the game play.

I'll let you know how things go.

My Condensed Review of True Blood's First Season

2009-05-23T12:52:00.000-07:00

Piquant.

Twilight - my thought on this fine franchise

2009-05-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

100 year old guy dates underage girl...I think that's called statutory rape.

Relishing the Dogs of Summer, part 2

2009-05-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

I have been met with disgust and derision over my last post, "Relishing the Dogs of Summer". My response is my final word on the subject.

I put ketchup on my hot dogs, deal with it! It's not like I'm forcing you to do the same.

Relishing the Dogs of Summer

2009-05-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

When I was eight, I had a horrible hot dog experience. It was at the British Club in Singapore. The hot dog was made with a British sausage instead of the processed meat product that I was accustomed to. The casing was completely burnt. American hot dogs didn't have a casing, even then, so I was already suspicious- but burning made matters even worse. I bit into the dog anyway. The casing was difficult enough to get through, what I found inside was even worse- my teeth had chomped down on some gristle that I couldn't chew through. Unfortunately, we were guests of some important person or other, so my mother made me finish the hot dog and actually thank them for the experience. That "hot dog" was so bad that the next one I ate was nine years later- and I had to cover it with chili in order to make it palatable.

Cut to now- somewhere in my life I turned a corner- I put the past behind me, where it belongs. At some point in my early thirties, probably at Pink's, I actually started to enjoy hot dogs and associate them with summer. Don't get me wrong, I'm still picky about my hot dog. I don't take many chances.

I bought some kosher dogs (hebrew national, of course) and I've just finished off the last in the pack today. Through the past week of these "dog days" of summer (sorry), I've been experimenting with different condiments- to decide which will be "My Hot Dog". First, the mustards. I started with French's Classic Yellow, which is fine, if a little mainstream. My second contender was Dave's Hurtin' Habanero & Honey Mustard - which has it's place in my world, but I decided wasn't hot dogs. The third, and final, choice turned out to be the winner - Zatarain's Creole Mustard. I has a taste and texture that works well for me. The vinegar accent was an especially welcome finisher for me.

The next decision was the relish- Vlassic's Sweet Relish, a favorite of mine for sandwiches, versus Bubbies Kosher Dill Relish. I have to say that I was trying either while I was trying mustards. I think that the Vlassic worked badly with Dave's Hurtin' Habenero because the double sweetness was a little too much for me. The Vlassic was fine when paired with French's - but was in direct competition with the Creole Mustard. Bubbies' Kosher Dill Relish, on the other hand, worked well with all three mustards. The fact that it was savory meant that it didn't make the dog too sweet with the Habenero, and it worked hand in hand with the Creole mustard...

So the grand winner for my home prepared dog- Zatarain's Creole Mustard, Bubbies Kosher Dill Relish and Organic's Tomato Ketchup (which is the winning ketchup only because it says "Organic" on it- which really brings something different to the table when you are talking hot dogs).

My Condensed Review of the Season One Finale of Fringe

2009-05-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

Satisfying.

My Condensed Review of the Season Five Finale of Lost

2009-05-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

Neat!

My Name is Bob and I have a problem.

2009-05-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

I'm scared that my current addiction will catch up with me this summer.

Over the last year I started to watch current television shows. It started with dvd collections of past tv shows. I was safe when I stuck with shows that had ended. I loved it. Serialized shows became a minor addiction to me. During a single week I watched character and story arcs that had taken years in their original run. Movies that only took 90 minutes could no longer satisfy my needs with their puny character development. I was hooked.

Over the course of months, I found myself cruising Amazon for my next hit. I was jonesing bad for a new experience. Amazon taunted me with a sale. The first three seasons of Lost were bundled together. Curiosity and the monkey on my back forced me to click the taunting "Add to Shopping Cart". Amazon Prime rushed me my fix in the next couple of days. That's when I was screwed. I was mainlining a current tv show...and Lost, in my opinion, is one of the greatest. Soon I was buying other current shows like Eureka, Burn Notice, and Heroes. I caught up to shows just before the new episodes started to come out last season. That's when I became a slave to my DVR- and not just to those shows, but to new shows with a tenuous link to shows that I'd enjoyed. I loved Lost, so Fringe was a natural leap. Buffy and Angel were gateway shows to Dollhouse.

This week has brought with it a sick dread. Fringe and Lost are going into hibernation (or is it remission? I don't know the term for when shows go into reruns). Luckily, I easily kicked the Heroes habit quickly, so that is one less problem. But I'm scared. I haven't built up a tolerance to summer reruns that others might, I haven't been much for tv shows since high school. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I have a feeling that I'll soon be trolling the TV Series aisle of Fry's looking for my next fix or checking Hulu for shows I might have missed. I just hope that I'm not shivering in a dark corner watching old procedurals on USA, waiting for new episodes of the shows that I miss. God help me if I get so bad that I start watching sports.

My condensed review of the latest Star Trek film

2009-05-09T12:59:00.000-07:00

Cute

Of Fringe and Dollhouse

2009-04-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

I started watching the shows Fringe and Dollhouse out of some kind of obligation for the creators. I've enjoyed their past shows, so I felt that I had to watch the new. I hated both shows at the beginning, neither had characters that I enjoyed - and for me, characters are paramount.

I've been watching them religiously, out of some strange misplaced faith- and for a while I started to lose my religion. Lucky for me, Fringe got better. They started to add more emotional contact through new supporting family members. Characters started to become emotionally involved in story lines. The long term plot started advancing too, which was nice. Fringe has become a treat that I look forward to- and I'm glad they are back from their mid season break.

Now on to Dollhouse. So far, there isn't a single character on Dollhouse that I give a damn about. The long term story isn't grabbing me. I don't give a damn about the mysterious Alpha, the dolls, or anybody else. Sadly, I've been watching it so long that Stockholm Syndrome has been setting in. I'm starting to feel sorry for the show. I really want it to be better for its own sake. I want to say, "Come on little buddy, you can do better. You can create something that actually reaches out on an emotional level. Keep trying slugger."

It took a while for Fringe to grab me. I hope Dollhouse will too.

The economy and Vegas

2009-03-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

Sorry about punctuation and such- blogging on the road using the iPhone.

The economy has been sucking for most people, but nowhere shows it better then America's playground - Vegas. Last season there were a lot layoffs here- makes sense, layoffs are everywhere. But it's the trickle down effect. People that are worried about money are hardly going to blow a grand on a weekend. Restaurants that have been around for years have shut their doors forever. Most places that are still open are only open five days a week. Hotel stores that used to be open all day, every day now spend as many hours closed as open. Vegas has been struggling as much as anywhere else I've seen, more so then some. I really feel sorry for what some of the people I know here have been going through.

There does seem to be a light at the end of this tunnel though. It's a Sunday night and Vegas seems busier then it has been on my last couple of visits. The restaurant I had dinner in had as much business as I'd ever seen in there. People may not be spending massive amounts of money yet, but at least they are showing up. Maybe things will be back to their wild and craziest soon. I certainly hope so.

Watchmen A.R.G.

2009-03-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

Just played around with the small A.R.G. associated with the Watchmen film- www.6minutestomidnight.com -

The premise of the site is that Rorshach shows you tests and you enter what you think you see. Correct answers will unlock clips that tell you about the characters from the film. I went through the usual answers that were expected (I won't spoil it here- there are other places to go for that kind of info), but I got stuck on the final one and had to look it up. Now comes the fun- I've seen the site as it was intended, so now comes entering random things to get unexpected responses. I went with "Dog" first, because I've read the graphic novel, and got a good response. I tried several others, but responses weren't all that great. On a tip from a forum post I found, I went with "Alan Moore"- the response was great. If you want to know what was said, you can try it for yourself.

All in all, I found it to be a fun little A.R.G for ten minutes.

Resolutions

2009-03-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

Back when the clock struck midnight and this year was rung in, I made a list of resolutions (something I'd resolved never to do in earlier life- but what the hell, I need to change things up). I even signed the list. My dearly beloved put the list on the fridge, lest I forget. She's not holding my feet to the fire or anything- these are my resolutions, I doubt she cares too much.

Anyway- here's the deal. I've decided to post the list here too, as a public act of...I don't know... something or other.

1)Perfect these recipes:
a)Mulligatawny Soup.
b)Pub Curry (which isn't defined on the list, but it's a Tikka Masala- I'm still trying to decide between Tofu for dearly beloved or Chicken for me to enjoy alone),
c)Scrambled Eggs (my scrambled eggs are edible, but far from perfect),
d)Pancakes (again, I do a nice pancake, but I think I can do better).
e)Fish dish to be determined later (I didn't want to be specific, because I might cheat here and make Fish Tikka Masala if the end of the year is coming quickly).
f) Completely random dish to be determined by whim...which has turned out to be french vanilla ice cream. Check this one off- I've done it, and can replicate it whenever I feel like- wahoo! It's good to see I achieved something in the first couple of months of the year.

2) Perfect my Bread & Tortilla "Instinct" - I've put this under a separate number and away from "Number 1) Perfect these recipes" because I've already got this somewhat down. This challenge is to keep making bread and tortillas, not just to perfection (for my taste) but to make them so often that I can make them by instinct alone. Well, instinct and flour and water and so on...but instinct instead of doggedly following a recipe in some book. So far this year, I've made a couple loaves of bread that were fine and one batch of tortillas that weren't.

3) Make Marshmallows - I'm not going for perfection here. I'll settle for "yummy".

4) Make Penuche Fudge - One of my great aunts gave me penuche fudge when I was just a wee lad. I love penuche fudge, but it costs an arm and a leg and a couple of extra toes to buy it. I want to at least try a batch by the end of the year. I've really got to work on the whole "soft ball" fudge making thing.

5) Lose 30 pounds - Okay, this is the problem. Look at the above list...I'm going to "perfect" all that food and still lose weight. How? Well, I've been going to the gym most days (at least 4 times a week) which helps, and I've been sick for the last few days (hurray lost water weight!). This is going to be the problem spot.

That's the list- and I resolve to do these things in 2009!
If I don't, well, there's always 2010.

To Have and Have Not

2009-02-23T13:15:00.000-08:00

In the film "To Have and Have Not", script co-written by William Faulkner based on an Ernest Hemingway novel, the most famous lines were ad-libbed by the actors.

Ice Cream

2009-02-22T13:15:00.001-08:00

I just made my third ice cream (well, second ice cream - one was a sorbet).

The first ice cream I made was a french vanilla. It came out great. I was so happy with the result that I figured I could do no wrong. Because I was riding high, I decided to go with a flavor that I felt could fail- my pride could take it. For my second try, I went with the beer sorbet (as found in the Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream & Dessert Book). The beer sorbet was...frozen sweet beer. The texture came out fine, I was happy there. I'd used my favorite beer, Guinness Stout.

A quick aside: I think there are three perspectives on beer. The first one doesn't like beer at all, the second likes the effect of beer but not the actual flavor. I probably fall into a third group, I actually like the taste of beer. I don't drink all that often but when I do, I like a nice flavorful stout or porter. I don't care about the actual alcohol content. I'm not getting drunk, I'm enjoying a tasty beverage.

At first, I didn't care too much for the beer sorbet. Frozen beer wasn't really doing it for me. However, on the second (or maybe the third) tasting, I suddenly loved it. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. Years ago, I tried Moxie. I was thirsty and had opened a Moxie cola. I hated the flavor, felt it was nasty- like cold medicine nasty. I don't know if it was a hot day or if I was too lazy to get a different drink or even if I just didn't want to waste it, but I kept drinking it. Sips at first, because that's easier, of course. By halfway down the bottle, I'd forgotten that I thought it was nasty. By the time I'd finished the bottle, I was ready for another soda. I had a large selection of drinks (thanks to a recent stop at Galco's) but I found myself reaching for another bottle of Moxie. Now, when I'm at Farmer's Market or somewhere that has Moxie, I'll choose it over other soft drinks.

I don't know when the first time something like this happened to me. It could have been coffee or broccoli or something. I doubt it'll be the last. My taste seems to evolve quickly, it's probably a good thing. Of course, if you are thinking that now that I like beer sorbet, I'll keep on making it all the time, you are wrong. I just made Kahlua-Amaretto ice cream. Life is too short to stick with one type of frozen dessert.

mixing my metaphors

2009-02-13T09:04:00.000-08:00

I find that I've started mixing metaphors lately. It doesn't really worry me, due to the "mutts are usually healthier than pure breeds" thingie. I should probably throw in a mixed metaphor here for humor or something, but since I'm still working on my first cuppa coffee today, it would shoddy at best.

English is a living language

2009-02-11T11:50:00.001-08:00

English is a living language. It coughs, farts and wheezes just like the rest of us. I've heard that its having troubles with stairs these days. The poor thing is getting old.

only joshing - apropos of nothing

2009-02-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

As a child, when I said that I was "only joshing" I meant that I was only joking around. Of course, I didn't know anybody named Josh back then. Over the years, I've learned that it actually means "I'm being spiteful because of my own feeling of inadequacy".

I'm just a rambling man

2009-02-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

What happened to day 2 of my foodalogue? Laziness. It's true. I ran out of steam.

I've decided that I want to be able to do the New York Times Crossword puzzles in a timely fashion - to that end, I picked up the Nintendo DS game with almost three years worth of the puzzles. I've never been a crosswordy kind of person, so I'm happy with the small victories of just completing monday puzzles without having to hit the "hint" button (which just gives you the letter you are on, I don't call giving you the answer a "hint" as much as a "you failed"). Unfortunately, the Nintendo DS game scores how well you did- I often get "D-" because it takes me almost an hour to knock out a monday puzzle out (though I did get a "C-" on a puzzle that had a "Happy Days" theme).

Dearly beloved scowled at my video game and told me that if I want to do the puzzles, I should just do the damned puzzles in the paper (or words to that effect). She may be right, but I like being able to hit "erase" - pencil lines don't come out as well.

Another DS game that I've picked up is their version of Wordjong - a game I've played on Pogo, but I really wanted a portable version of the game. There's probably an iPhone app. for it, but I'm good with the DS one.

Las Vegas Foodalogue - part 3

2008-12-21T13:37:00.000-08:00

We dined at Rick Moonen’s RM Seafood Cafe in Mandalay Bay on the first night of our trip. RM is a Las Vegas staple for us. You may find repeated references coming up- it’s not a typo, we like the place a lot.

The cafe is downstairs with a higher end restaurant upstairs. The food for both places comes from the same kitchen, but we prefer the more open atmosphere downstairs- and the fact that it’s cheaper doesn’t hurt.

The bread basket had some great corn muffins and buttermilk biscuits. While waiting to order, I also snacked on one of the many small bags of oyster crackers that are on every table. I didn’t order it this trip, but their clam chowder is great.

Dearly Beloved started her meal with the soup of the day, a spicy and rich pumpkin soup. I went with the miso soup. Their miso features shiitake mushrooms, shiso leaves, scallions, and fat chunks of shrimp. Either soup is a great way to take the edge off of a cold day in Vegas.

As we were finishing up our soup, four conventioneers sat at the next table. We spent a little while trying to figure out which convention they were in town for, but didn't really reach a satisfactory conclusion- they really didn't seem like they were in town for the rodeo or for the construction convention. I guess they could work for Expedia- but honestly, they sounded like salesmen. All that we could really get was that one of them was the "client" and the other three were about ready to take him out behind the barn and shoot him.

Our next course arrived. I had ordered the seafood salad which was delicious, but a little tentacle heavy for some (Dearly Beloved). Herself had ordered the crab cake appetizer. With the appetizer, you get one crab cake. Order the entree and you get two crab cakes. Her comment about the crab cake - "Splendid. Better then anyone else's."

We also split two sushi rolls. The RM Roll is a favorite of mine. It contains soft shell crab, spicy hamachi, avocado and is topped with eel sauce. It is a great combination of taste and texture. The soft shell crab was slightly crispy without being at all difficult to eat.

The other roll was the Fuji Roll, which contains tempura shrimp, cucumber and spicy aoli. It's then topped with crab salad, tuna, avocado with citrus aoli, eel sauce and sesame seeds. It was creamy and wonderful. At any other restaurant, I'll stay away from aoli or strange sauce sushi, because I'm positive they only add the stuff to hide the taste of week-old fish. I had no such reservations here. It was great.

Dessert? No thanks. I don't know about my dearly beloved, but I was stuffed to the gills. After the meal, I walked for a while to work a little of the day off.

I love Vegas.

Vegas Foodalogue- An Aside

2008-12-18T08:46:00.000-08:00

I mentioned last post that the Payard candy counter was closed (or ignored by the people that work there). Since I couldn't get at the freshly made candy, I bought the prepackaged candies that they had at their pastry counter. I picked up a raspberry marshmallow and a collection various fruit jellies- big mistake. The raspberry marshmallow was so old that the experience eating it was akin to eating raspberry scented leather. The fruit jellies had crystalized, turning them into fruit flavored sugar cubes.

Learn from my mistake- if you go to Payard, buy the fresh stuff and leave the pre-packed crud alone.

Vegas Foodalogue- part 2

2008-12-17T09:59:00.000-08:00

I like Jean and Primm in Nevada- they are quaint. My Dearly Beloved and I skipped them this time, in our mad dash to get to Las Vegas. We parked at the Bellagio to see the Christmas display. Unfortunately, the Bellagio’s garden display was pretty much a repeat of last year. An employee had confided last year, the Christmas tree decorations had cost so much that they’d have to use it for years to get their money’s worth. It’s just too bad that I don’t like them.

Up until a year ago, Jean-Philippe’s Patisserie in the Bellagio was a mandatory stop for us. The pastries there were the best in Las Vegas. Time hasn’t done them any favors though. While you can still get a great dulce de leche brioche there, their pastries have become more about pleasing the eye then pleasing the palate. We’ve been opting to make our first food stop at Payard in Ceasars for the last few trips.

I fell in love with Payard (the place) the first time we ate there, right after they opened- so much so that my dearly beloved and I picked up two of Francois Payard’s books (Chocolate Epiphany and Bite Size). Great books with great pictures. Someday I’d really like to try my hand at his Spicy Chocolate Pots de Creme. I fell in love with Bouchon’s pots de creme years ago, and have always been scared that if I ever found out how to make them, I’d go overboard making and eating them. I’m fat enough already.

Payard has a candy counter- which is filled with one of my favorite types of candy - fruit jellies.

Unfortunately, none of the employees were able to help me at the candy counter. They were too busy wrapping up items for their Christmas displays to bother with customers that were standing at counters, five feet from them, shouting, “Excuse Me. I want to buy something. Hello!”

We had better luck at the pastry counter.

Dearly Beloved opted for a freshly made fruit crepe, which looked divine, while I went for the Cendrillon.

The Cendrillon was a wonderful pastry with pumpkin mousse, cranberry marmalade, cinnamon and ginger. There were also some macaroons on the sides. Underneath the orange coating, the mousse, marmalade and some cake, are built into delicious, moist layers of heaven. I was too blissed out to have any reaction other then "Yum".

Vegas Trip - Travelogue...well, Foodalogue-Part One

2008-12-15T11:10:00.000-08:00

Dearly Beloved and I just got back from Vegas again- and I'll be sharing our travel pictures for the next couple of posts. If you aren't the type that gets into that kind of thing- come back in a few weeks and it'll be over. Just one note before I get too far- Vegas was not a busy place this trip. I know this is a slow season at good times, but the recession has made matters even worse for the city of sin. A few of the high end restaurants are taking a couple of weeks off while things are slow, still more have cut back on shifts for their staff to get through the lean times. I hope things get better soon.

Oh, heck, another note- The rodeo was in town while we were in Vegas. The NFR or something. It was a little surreal seeing cowboy hats and big hair in all the old familiar places. Turns out that I like cowboys and cowgirls- they're a lot more polite then the usual folks I see around during the rest of the year. I even saw people holding doors open for other people. How rare, that small kindness, has become.

On the drive out to Las Vegas, dearly beloved and I have our little rituals and stops. We chat for most of the first leg of the trip. Just when conversation starts getting droopy, about the time the miles start adding up, we'll get to our first big stop in Victorville. This is always a treat for us, our favorite little bagel place. I love bagels, but for some reason, I rarely get around to eating them. Unfortunately, we were in for our first disappointment of the trip. Our lovely, fresh bagel place was gone. It's a fully operational tattoo parlor now. What a difference a few months make- there wasn't any sign that the bagel place ever existed there. I can't lie, I was emotional.

So, we went to the donut shop in the same strip mall.

The cake donut was cakey, the apple fritter wasn't greasy, the cruller existed (they don't in a lot of donut shops these days). The coffee was okay too. It wasn't the same experience we'd wanted out of the bagel place, but it was good enough that it'll be a new ritual on the way to Vegas.

Next stop was Barstow for some gas and soon we were listening to an audiobook of Rex Stout's "The Rubber Band". Time passed quickly and we were in Baker for our next ritual - The Mad Greek. It's a great place to stop. The food is tasty, the decor is fun, and the bathrooms are clean. I love everything about the place except the ice tea- it's nasty.

We shared the "combo plate" at the Mad Greek- Hummos, tabouleh, tzatziki, stuffed grape leaves, blocks of feta cheese, olives and (not pictured) really greasy flat bread. The meal is heaven for the taste buds. The bread is hell for the gut, in a good way. Yum.

Next Episode: We'll actually be in Vegas!

Today's Snowclone

2008-12-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

Daily News, front page (at bottom) "Is gay the new black?"

Snowclones, snowclones every where, nor any stop and think

2008-11-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

From Wikipedia: A snowclone is a type of cliché and phrasal template originally defined as "a multi-use, customizable, instantly recognizable, time-worn, quoted or misquoted phrase or sentence that can be used in an entirely open array of different jokey variants by lazy journalists and writers."

That means, when you take a well worn phrase and replace certain words to create a new phrase that cause people to immediately say, “I saw what you did there.”, you’ve created a snowclone.

Old phrase - Pink is the new black.
New phrase - Black is the new black.

Okay, that’s great for a lazy fashion writer, trying to explain the changes of the season- but it’s pretty bland as far as snowclones go. Let’s pick another.

Cliché - Pink is the new black.
Snowclone - Random is the new order (this was used for an ipod shuffle ad).

Nice.

The first snowclone that I’d really noticed, and this was from years before I’d even heard of the word, was a take off on “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!”. It seemed to me that every time a journalist had three things in their article, whoever did the headlines just had to use that cliché. Lazy, lazy headline writer.

Of course, you might think that I’m against such practices. You’d be wrong. I love snowclones. I don’t care that the originator was lazy. As far as I’m concerned, lazy is the new black.

most irritating phrases

2008-11-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

The good folks over at Oxford University have decided that these are the top ten most irritating phrases:

1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science

okay, some of these aren't exactly phrases, but I understand what they are getting at. But you know, I personally feel that, at the end of the day, these phrases are okay. At this moment in time, with all due respect to Oxford University, people shouldn't worry about how they speak. After all, it's not rocket science, but policing your words for a fairly unique way of talking 24/7, absolutely worrying about saying something you shouldn't of, is a horrible way to live. I've tried it and it's a nightmare.

Anywho, they are wrong. There are much more annoying "phrases" then that, if you know what I mean. Whatever. meh.

Van Dyke

2008-10-26T13:22:00.001-07:00

On Slate.com's Political Gabfest, Mr. Plotz asked why so many Republicans wear Van Dyke beards. I'm no expert but...

Here's why I wear a "Van Dyke" beard-

1) I'm overweight - As I gained weight over the years, my neck slowly took over and destroyed my "chin line", that natural line that shows where my neck ends and my face begins. I hide the fact that the line is missing by having a beard that specifically says- "My chin is right here!" or at least- "this is where it used to be".

2) I look young when my face is bald - I once read that Andy Warhol prematurely dyed his hair grey in order to appear older. Apparently, youth was not something that was helping him get taken seriously in the art world. It seems, currently, there is a movement towards natural grey hair, but I have a feeling that there are a number of folks that don't want to really appear old, just more "serious". When I shave off my beard, I seem to get ten years younger - everybody I know tells me as much. I have a feeling that there are a lot of "baby faced" gentlemen that need a beard so they don't have to hear "shayna punim" (or whatever the gentile equivalent is) whenever they walk into a room.

3) Van Dykes were hip twenty minutes ago - In the late eighties I had a pony tail. I'm sure a lot of the people that you see with Van Dykes were the same type of people who wore pony tails in the eighties. They are under the illusion that they can look "business" and still be "edgy". This is the same mistake a lot of people with mullets made.

Now, as to the question- Why, specifically, the Van Dyke?

The Van Dyke beard is a well maintained beard- its shape instantly shows that the wearer cares about their appearance. When I grow more of a beard, I start to look like Bluto from the old Popeye cartoons. Very few people actually want to look like Bluto.

Eric Ericsson's Fish Company

2008-10-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

On friday, Carole and I drove up to Ventura for the Harvest Festival. If you don't know, the Harvest Festival is a nomadic craft expo featuring "home made" food, furniture and fun. I picked up some banana jam, triple berry jam and peanut brittle. Carole picked up a nice hat, a few gifts and half of the brittle I'd bought.

Right near Harvest Festival was a fish restaurant that we've been wanting to try, Eric Ericsson's Fish Co.

The view of the ocean and pier were lovely and the food was slightly better then it had to be. We started off with the ceviche and chips, which were nice enough, although a little bland.

We then moved on to the main courses- Carole ordered the Salmon Club, hold the bacon, and I went for the Jalapeno Fish & Chips. As we sometimes do, we split the meals in half and shared. The salmon was cooked perfectly, if a little small for the bun (not height, width- the two halves weren't equal, I ended up with a bad fish to bun ratio). The sandwich was served with a nice, sweet coleslaw that had pineapple chunks in it. I liked the coleslaw a lot more then the Salmon Club.

The Jalapeno Fish & Chips were great. They'd put diced pieces of jalapenos in the fish batter, which gave a pleasant kick that really added a lot. Also, the slight heat went well with the sweet coleslaw that came with the Salmon Club. I think that if I was doing the meal solo, I'd order the Jalapeno Fish & Chips with a side of their coleslaw, it worked that well together.

I thought the dessert we ordered was mediocre, though Carole liked it more. It was a Polynesian Roll- which was Cheesecake, caramel and banana wrapped in dough, fried and coated with cinnamon and sugar. There was also a drizzle of caramel sauce to finish the dish. Sounds great, right? Meh. It was sweet, sure, but that's about it.

Waiting for something new

2008-09-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I never got my new site off the ground. Big surprise, I'm sure.

I've decided that I'm just going to go ahead and use this blog for a while. The new direction that I planned on taking my "blogging" will just have to happen right here.

The End of Things

2008-06-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Well, this will be the last post on this site for me. I've been working on a new site that'll be going up within the next month or so. Why, you may ask, are you shutting down this perfectly good site to start another? Go ahead. Ask.

Stencil Art

2008-02-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I'm really interested in stencil art right now. I've got small accent stencils on the walls of my living room, but they are floral pieces that are just there to look pretty. I'm thinking about putting an artistic piece on the back of my garage. I'm not sure what it's going to be, but I have a feeling that it'll be influenced by Banksy. Probably going to be a dog though, not a rat.

Vladimir Propp’s Character Roles ~

2008-01-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

Propp was a scholar that analysed the basic components of Russian folk tales. Here are the broad character types that he presented in his book, "Morphology of the Folk Tale".

1) Villain: Fights with the hero. Involved in a pursuit.

2) Donor: Provides the hero with a magical agent.

3) Helper: Often accompanies the hero. May reappear to help at critical moments.

4) Princess: She assigns tasks to the hero.

5) The Father of the Princess: Often is hostile to the hero. May also assign tasks to the hero.

6) Dispatcher: Often a parent. The one who causes the hero to set out on a quest.

7) Hero: The one who departs on a quest. The one who reacts to the testing of a donor. The one who performs tasks and usually marries and becomes wealthy.

8) False Hero: Pretends, unsuccessfully to have done the things that the hero has actually done.

Another post from my reason for living...

2007-12-19T09:15:00.000-08:00

Ix,
You big sweetie. You posted my last note, and I'm sure you haven't even thought about how to describe the Enoteca San Marcos debacle, so here it is from my side of the table.
First off, the disengenuous charm of the Venetian indoor canal, with the poncy shops and faux everything, including elegance. Appalling tourists from all over Europe. You were right, there are more Eurpoeans there than anywhere else on the Las Veas Strip. Better dressed than their Minnesotan counterparts, but equal in bad manners.
We sat overlooking the piazza and stage. Kevin (or Scott, it was one or the other) was a distinctive waiter in that he had more aftershave than personality. Fresh-faced, towheaded with sad teeth, he looked about 17 but was really 28. He spoke with the patronizing authority of a sous chef only without a speck of credibility. I found myself wanting to order something he didn't like just because he lacked even the appearance of judgement. Pleasant enough, if you weren't allergic to the scent. Probably an Italian designer fragrance.
Never mind that, or the busboy who bought himself an iPhone only to have to return it when his mother bought him a Blackberry, what matters is the cheese. First course, they brought a beautiful trio of condiment jars and spooned out our servings of whole cherries in brandy, sliced apricots in white wine with chilies, and truffled honey. Then came the cheeses.
My oh my. First, a young fresh goat cheese, the 2 month aged Coach Triple Cream. Then the rightly called "King of Cheeses", Parmigiano Reggiano, a cow's milk cheese aged 21 months. Lastly, the magnificent Rosso di Langhe, a brine washed cow and sheep's milk cheese from Piemonte, fully aged and perfectly pungent, providing a crescendo of cheesy goodness.
Downhill from there. The nondescript escarole and walnut salad with pecorino. The Fritti Grande, which looked so good on the menu was just fried stuff with too much rosemary oil. Risotto balls, stuffed zucchini flowers, pizza dough fingers, seafood, and the fried mozzarella and anchovy sandwich that you called a "fish doughnut". At least the sandwich tasted good, and not like rosemary oil.
Escape from there, quickly. Because our final stop of the trip was the best of all. Bouchon Bakery, hidden next to the theater which inexplicably houses "Phantom of the Opera". There we each had that little miracle, it tastes like a fresh Parisian croissant opened up and filled with a blob of Chicago-style cheesecake (more caky than New York cheesecake and not as sweet, just right) and topped with two slips of sugared lemon rind--- which they absurdly call a "cheese danish". Your pot de creme infused with wild mint and covered in milk chocolate was just as epiphanically good. So much so that I once again find myself grateful that the most delectable pastry and sweets we have locally aren't anywhere near that standard. Our health and safety would be at risk otherwise.
Ciao bello, thanks for posting.
Flo

Bouchon in Las Vegas

2007-12-15T09:11:00.000-08:00

I had wanted to do a post about the wonderful time that my dearly beloved and I had at Bouchon restaurant in Las Vegas. I was feeling lazy and hadn't yet posted when I received this email from my reason for living. She did such a great job, that I decided just to post it.

Ix--
Just reminding you about a few details from Vegas, you know, for the Blog. Be sure to tell them about the table, that it was big enough for six with a curving banquette and overlooked the Italian garden. (this is just the Bouchon meal at the Venetian, the rest isn't important) And the waiter spells his name Krxstv. Such a nice boy. 6 months away from his Master's in engineering when he gave it up and moved to the desert to become a happy career waiter. He endeared himself when he kept a straight face when we didn't order booze or wine. Do you remember what town in Poland he was from? I should know that.
Not that you forgot, but the first dish (after the gorgeous bread and little jar of pistachios) was the homemade gravlax, salmon cured in lemon juice and honey for 36 hours. Lemon confit, cranberry pain perdu (savory bread pudding) and salmon skin cracklings. Finished with a whisper of rosemary oil, nothing like the Enoteca San Marcos meal--- but I digress. I'm only discussing Bouchon here.
Kristof (to spell it phonetically) really hooked us up with the second course, the salmon rillettes. I told you, this should be subtitled the Salmon Diaries. Or you can make a Salman Rushdie pun, I won't, I'm on strike. A 2 /1 ratio of fresh to smoked salmon, poached in Pernod with egg yolk, shallots and creme fraiche, then covered with clarified butter and sealed in a mason jar. The under-waiter scooped the butter off in one elegant swoop and we got the jar with those marvellous toasts, which must have been a skinny baguette sliced in half-inch increments then toasted on a grill and brushed with butter. Kristof brought us that extra little tower of toasts that no one else in sight got. A lovely boy, did I say that yet?
My truite aux amandes, your leg of lamb. Yours was roasted, then served with a sous vide fennel bulb, butternut squash puree (also sous vide) and french prunes poached in Pernod. The sauce was made from the lamb drippings.
But the dessert... If you post anything, you must tell them how Kristof wouldn't let us see the dessert menu. He was disappointed when I refused chocolate, but your little bitter chocolate bouchons with valrhona sauce and vanilla bean ice cream did you just fine. (And I don't think he would've been embarassed that you had a chunk of vanilla bean still in your ice cream, you should've let me say something) And my pot de creme was better than your chocolate. Egg nog infused, and those little cookies that were crispy to the tooth then disappeared in an effusion of butter and spice. Even the espresso was exquisite, no grounds at all and a perfect crema on top.
When you post, be sure to get in the details, like the flaming gas lamps over the brocade carpet and Italianate molding and 17th century-esque wallpaper in the hall we walked through to get to the restaurant. The deliciousness is in the details.
Flo

NaNoWriMo - Mission Accomplished

2007-12-04T06:39:00.000-08:00

Wow, one month later and I've finished writing a novel. I finished "Oskiri, Master Criminal" on Nov. 30th at 5:42 p.m.. The sad part is that the title has absolutely nothing to do with the story. I'd started with an idea to create a 'making the hero' story about a small time forger that becomes the leader of a group of criminals that steal some huge whatever. In the end, though, I wrote a story about a guy that travels through time to steal a time travel ship so that, in the future, he can travel back in time with the ship and steal a time travel ship so that, in the future, he can travel back in time with the ship and steal a time travel ship so that, in the future, he can...

I think you get the idea. It's a lousy plot and the story has tons of problems, but it didn't turn out to be as horrible as I was expecting. There are a lot of great moments in there that really work. National Novel Writing Month turned out to be a really great experience for me.

NaNoWriMo

2007-11-26T15:27:00.001-08:00

Well, I'm closing in on the end of the novel for NaNoWriMo. If I keep up the word count, I'll be done on time. Woot! It has been a really great experience but I'll be happy when I've finished the novel.

Ramble

2007-11-17T16:55:00.000-08:00

I always figure that I can either do something right or I can do it myself.

NaNoWriMo

2007-11-02T17:37:00.000-07:00

I'm writing my novel for National Novel Writing Month. I don't expect to be able to post all that often right now, but I'll be back with more of my ramblings soon. I've got the basic "Caper Examination" written out, so I'll post it as soon as I can edit it.

The Caper: An introduction to my examination of caper stories.

2007-10-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

As I get closer to writing a novel for Nanowrimo, I’ve decided to take a closer look at capers. Mostly because, at this moment, I’m thinking of traveling down that route myself in November.

I love capers because there’s a friendliness among a group of people that are gathered together to complete a single goal: to commit a perfect crime. The group’s dynamic as they go through the process of planning and committing that crime really show off their different personalities. What separates a caper from other crime stories, for me, seems to be a level of fun. There is rarely a feeling that any characters will truly suffer or die. Harsh reality has very little to do with these stories other then to bring the group together at the beginning.

Over the next few posts, I plan to go into what I think are the important elements in the Caper.

Rules from the Scream trilogy

2007-10-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

In honor of the season, I've collected the rules from the Scream trilogy. (thanks to wikipedia for the material)

Scream - Rules for surviving a horror movie

- Don't have sex.
- Don't drink or do drugs.
- Never say "I'll be right back."
- Don't ask "Who's there?"
- Never investigate any strange noises

Scream 2 - Rules of the horror sequel

- The body count is always bigger.
- The death scenes are always much more elaborate, with more blood and gore.
- Never, ever, under any circumstances assume the killer is dead.

Scream 3 - Rules for the concluding chapter of a trilogy

-The killer is going to be superhuman. Stabbing won't work. Shooting won't work. In the third one, you have to cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up.
- Anyone, including the main character, can die.
-The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Any sins committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you.
-Basically..In the third movie, all bets are off.

Robert A. Heinlein's Rules for Writing Success

2007-10-17T16:16:00.001-07:00

1) You must write.
2) Finish what you start.
3) You must refrain From rewriting, except to editorial order.
4) You must put your story on the market.
5) You must keep it on the market until it has sold.

The Laws of Narrative (V)

2007-10-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

V) The Glove Law (AKA. Fletcher’s Law (A))
This law is purely visual, so it is only found in film and television. When all you can see of a mysterious figure is a pair of gloves at the end of long sleeves, the mysterious figure is female.

When a director wants an actor who portrays the villain to do a physical “evil act” on camera, but doesn’t want to give away which character is the villain, they’ll show only the villain’s hands during the “evil act”. When the hands in question are large, manly hands, this isn’t a problem. Audiences are used to seeing male hands doing physical actions, so it doesn’t really register. If those hands are smaller female hands, they stand out and give away too much. Instead, those small hands will be hidden in gloves, usually either black leather or gardening gloves. So, when all you can see of a villain is black leather gloves as they strangle someone or crush a skull or flip off an innocent pedestrian, the culprit is female.

The Laws of Narrative

2007-10-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

IV) The Law of the Missing Major Character

Any major character from a series that goes missing will be fine. No matter how built up the story will be about them being in danger, don’t worry. As much as the writer may hate the character, publishers and producers know that fans of the series would be pissed if their favorite character just disappears. Pissed off fans don't pay for the next part of the series. So, no matter how dire the disappearance, the character is just waiting for the rest of the main cast to catch up with them. Tuppence may have been kidnapped by villains of the worst sort, but she’ll be fine when Tommy finally realizes that he needs to rescue her. Richard Jury may be bleeding to death on a dock, but he’ll still be alive when Melrose finds him. George Kirrin may have said she’s running away forever, but she’s really just playing with her dog on the island, waiting for the rest of the five to come to Kirrin on holiday.

The Laws of Narrative

2007-10-05T14:11:00.000-07:00

The Laws of Narrative
III) The Law of the Missing Minor Character

Any minor character that goes missing is dead. A character that’s “going home to free their country” died before he got to the boat. When you hear “Dad usually calls on his business trips”, dad never even made it down the street. If a guy ever says, “The boss is on a trip and can’t be reached”, that guy probably killed the boss and buried the body in the garage.

Axel Olrik’s Laws of Epic Narrative-

2007-10-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

EPIC LAWS OF FOLK NARRATIVE
Axel Olrik. "Epische Gesetze der Volksdichtung." Zeitschrift für Deutsches Altertum, Vol, 52 (1909), 1-12.

The Law of Opening and Closing (Folk narrative does not begin with sudden action or end abruptly)

The Law of Repetition (Events are repeated, often 3 times)

The Law of Three (Things come in threes)

The Law of Two to a Scene (Each scene will contain only two speaking characters. Any other characters present will remain mute.)

The Law of Contrast (Folk narrative loves contrasts: weak & strong, poor & rich, man & monster, good & evil)

The Law of Twins (Folk narrative is fond of twins, however, if they play a major role, they will probably be subject to the Law of Contrast [one bright, one gloomy])

The Importance of Final Position (The youngest son will have our sympathy, the last test will be decisive)

The Law of the Single Strand (Folk narrative follows one temporal strand of action. It does not shift scenes to follow parallel actions)

The Law of Patterning (Repeated scenes will be as similar to each other as possible)

The Use of Tableaux Scenes (Certain moments of folk narrative evoke a strong visual image.)
The Logic of the Sage (Folk narratives find their plausibility not in their sense of reality, but in a certain internal narrative logic)

The Unity of Plot

The Concentration on a Leading Character

* - A Quick Note

2007-09-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

A quick note on my naming of the Laws of Narrative. I’m naming the laws according to where I first encountered them. This is meant to be similar to laws that are named after the court cases that led to their creation. The Laws of Narrative are not meant to be exclusive to whatever I’ve named them after. For example: Fletcher’s Law (A) can also be found in the film, “Urban Legend”.

The Laws of Narrative: Christie's Law (A)

2007-09-26T14:42:00.000-07:00

The Laws of Narrative:
II) Christie’s Law (A) - If you don’t see the body, they aren’t really dead.

Many Agatha Christie characters die “off screen”. There is much dialogue about the death, but we (through the viewpoint character) never actually see the corpse. This is a trick to stop us from suspecting that the dead character is the murderer. Remember, murders are like potato chips, one is never enough. Thus, in the last chapter, we find that the “off screen” victim has been alive all along. They’ve either been hiding in the hidden passages or they’re dressed up as a secondary character that we’ve barely noticed, happily wreaking havoc.

Don’t believe it the next time you read: “he died in the war” or “he was poisoned in Egypt” or even “the police found his body”. He’s either hiding behind a secret door or pretending to be the butler. And we all know what butlers do best.

The Laws of Narrative: Banacek's Law

2007-09-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

The Laws of Narrative:
I) Banacek’s Law - When something that is impossible to steal is stolen, then either it was never there or it is still there.

Every time my dearly beloved and I would sit down to watch Banacek, we'd place a bet: “Never there" or "Still there”. Banacek was a ‘70s mystery show about an over-the-top-cool investigator who solved seemingly impossible thefts.

Let me paint you a picture that didn’t actually appear on the show. Say there’s a heavily insured frigate moored at pier 10. It’s under a large tarp. There are armed guards 24/7. On the night before the big party to celebrate the frigate being un-tarped, catastrophe. The frigate is missing, pier 10 is empty. “But that’s impossible!” the 70s actors all say. Normal insurance investigators are flummoxed. Only George Peppard, as freelance investigator Banacek, can figure out what happened, for a fat fee.

By the end of the episode we’ll see that either:

1) The frigate was actually a large balloon painted to look like the frigate. During the night the owner strolled out to the frigate, pulled out the cork and the frigate-balloon deflated to the size of a basketball that was then thrown away. Luckily, the tarp was really stiff and held that “frigate shape” until morning. Thus, the frigate never was actually at pier 10.

2) Some evil bastard switched the signs and we’re actually standing at pier 11. You see that frigate over there? The one by that other sign. That’s the stolen frigate. You see the frigate is still at pier 10, just like it’s always been.

The Laws of Narrative: Introduction

2007-09-25T13:40:00.000-07:00

Over the years, my dearly beloved (who happens to be a writer) has referred to what she calls the "Laws of Narrative". These references are usually complaints, when some story (whether book, movie, or tv show) fails to obey her holy writ, which has never actually been writ. I intend to rectify that, and quantify the laws as I've been able to observe them in action.

The air grows colder.

2007-09-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

The autumnal equinox is sunday. Starbucks has rolled out their pumpkin spiced latte. These are my signs that soon, life will turn to chaos. I’m not talking about Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Quanza, Hanukkah or even St. Crispin’s Day. Those are only minor distractions. Blips on the radar that pass quickly.

I’m about to put myself through a month long hell known as National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo for short). Starting November 1st, I will be writing 1,667 (or so) words a day. The goal is that by the end of November, I will have written a 50,000 word novel. The anticipation has just started for me.

The last couple of years I relied on friends to help me through the process. Friends that said they’d be there with me through the whole process, working on their own novels. True friends that said they’d be at my side through thick and thin. Friends that gave up on their own novels by the 5th and were sick of hearing about my novel by the time I’d given up on the 8th. This year will be different. I’m not going to rely on friends to help me. I’m going to give up on my own!

Actually, I really hope I can make it the whole month. I’ve got an idea for a story that I want to write and the deadline involved in the whole NaNoWriMo thing might actually help me. This year I will succeed, I’m 38% sure of it.

Anyway, if you want to write up a novel during the NaNoWriMo thing, check out www.nanowrimo.org or the book “No Plot? No Problem!” by Chris Baty.

ps., to be fair to my wonderful friends, I want to mention that unlike me, they’ve at least finished novels in previous years. The bastards.

The Future is here and it’s not as cool as promised (part 3)

2007-09-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

William Gibson’s “Neuromancer” came out at a time just prior to the PC revolution. During the mid-80’s, large companies used mainframe style computers, small companies had a single computer and the vast majority homes didn’t have a computer at all. Hackers were lonely guys sitting in their basements dialing randomly with their acoustic couplers, hoping to get in touch with any kind of data link they could access. There wasn’t an internet. Communication happened mostly through bulletin boards. People that used computers were strange folk that lived in a world that 99% of the population couldn’t really understand. From that perspective, I can understand how Gibson thought the future would lead to hackers actually living “online” in a virtual reality, accessing a world that most folks would never see, stealing valuable information from evil megacorporations. It sounded cool. I think that everybody reading “Neuromancer” probably pictured themselves “decking in” to a virtual world and dueling their way into company’s systems.

Then the PC revolution happened. Computers became accessible to everybody. Everybody could get to the internet via their local library. The cool secret online world became mired by what’s known as the “lowest common denominator”. Interfaces like a jack in the base of your head instead became a mouse, keyboard and monitor. There was a short time where we tried to use virtual reality helmets, but using them for more then a few minutes would leave the average person with eye strain and a sore neck.

I think the “virtual world” presented in “Neuromancer” was flawed from the start. Nobody would spend that kind of money to create these exotic interfaces like towers of data when only 1% of the world would see it. The virtual reality we got instead makes a lot of sense. Computers have to be very accessible if your grandmother needs to use it to get her taxes done and it’s doubtful that you could convince her to implant a device into her cerebral cortex.

As for what happens in the actual online virtual world of today, we shouldn’t be surprised. Hacking into companies may seem great to 5% of the population, but most people don’t want to deal with identity theft. Instead we have the internet and it takes care of what humanity really needs to survive. We have porn to take care of our sexual needs. Email and forums take care of our emotional needs. Shopping sites like Amazon.com and shop.safeway.com allow us to take care of the physical needs. We’re set. Our online virtual world doesn’t sound as cool as the secret world that Gibson dreamed of, but at least this one is a lot more useful.

The Future is here and it’s not as cool as promised (part 2)

2007-09-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

“Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep” was set originally set in the future world of 1992- changed in later editions to 2021 (thanks all-mighty but sometimes horribly wrong Wikipedia). In the novel, androids exist that are very difficult to tell from being whatever they were modeled after. I think Honda has gone as far as anybody else towards creating an android that can walk just like a person. We’ve got a while, I think, before we can actually make an android human that works as well as the real thing, so let’s move on to another idea presented. In “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep” the earth is a radio active hell thanks to a third world war. Life has become unlivable on earth so most folks have left it. Many species of animal have died out. Real animals are so expensive that people get android animals for companions. Well, here’s where we’ve made the most advances. We didn’t need a war to destroy the earth though. We just needed a reliance on petrochemicals to destroy the ozone coupled with a mad desire to destroy wildlands in third world countries for profit. It’s probably only going to be a matter of a few years before animals only exist in enclosed environments like zoos. Thank goodness for advances in android animals like AIBO, Nintendogs and Furbies. As our animal species die out we’ve already got the technology to replace them.

The future is here and it’s not as cool as promised.

2007-09-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Throughout my life I have turned to Science Fiction for a glimpse of the future. I’ve come to the conclusion that Science Fiction lied to me when it said things will be cool.

“Starship Troopers” by Robert Heinlein came out in 1959, “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep” by Philip K. Dick came out in 1968, the novel “Neuromancer” by William Gibson hit the shelves in 1984. As a teenager, these were the books that shaped my ideas of what the future held. I was positive that by 2010, I would be living in a world that’s exactly like the ones presented in these great works. 2010 is just around the corner, so I thought that I’d take some time to compare reality with whatever was conjured in my teen mind.

“Starship Troopers” promised me that we’d all be jingoistic, fighting wars because we wanted to be better citizens. We’d all be powerful warriors fighting in exoskeleton suits, proving our value to a society that appreciated what we were doing because they’d been there themselves. The first problem is that we aren’t fighting bugs. It’s easy to hate a species that is so obviously evil. Humans aren’t as easy. I think that the second place where this all failed was when the people in command of the military didn’t actually serve in combat. Since our commander in chief has never been put in harms way, he doesn’t seem to value our military as much as he should. From what I’ve been given to understand, we don’t put our military in exoskeleton suits, much less even armored cars because that’s too expensive. The only time we see that kind of technology at all is when a person survives a combat with a limb missing. At that point we put on false limbs that almost exactly, but not quite, match the properties of what was lost. If we aren’t willing to help out an individual trooper until they have barely survive a battle, people aren’t going to want to be that trooper. Fewer folks are signing up to join the military then ever. So, I guess, jingoism died when the decision was made to go to war without armor, not to mention nifty exoskeletons.

Next time: "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep"

Mom's Favorite - a random thought

2007-09-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

If your parents ever said, "We don't pick favorites" to you, you weren't their favorite child.

Psychotic Ramblings.

2007-09-11T15:35:00.001-07:00

This is my second attempt to start a blog. I have every expectation that this one will end just as quickly as the first. I give it two weeks, tops.

What am I trying to get out of the whole blog experience?

I have no idea. That might be a major stumbling block for me. I do have problems finishing things when I don't have exact goals in mind. I guess that I'm hoping that since blogs never really "finish", my problem with finishing things won't be a problem at all.

Anywho- welcome to my blog. There are going to be spelling mistakes, major punctuation errors, ideas that go unexplained, and a wide variety of jokes that aren't funny. Sorry about that, but that's the way my mind doesn't work.